Orbs (no, really!) and Boot Camp

We decided to go away this weekend, as a family fairwell to our daughter, Bronwen.

I have been feeling pretty emotional about my daughter leaving on Wednesday and although I KNOW that she has her own life and own journey now, which is really, just beginning, and that we have prepared her for it as best we can as parents, its none-the-less a very hard throwing ones precious daughter into this crazy world with the attitude of 'there...its your's, go and take it" .

We went to the 'boot camp' part of a nature reserve/5 star caravan park which consisted of evenly spaced, fully equipped tent houses. It was in the middle of the reserve area with lots of zebra, wildebeest, impala, etc and lots of bird life, which weren't at all shy and which came pretty close to our tent.

We havent done much of this as a family for the past two or three years for various reasons, but we all had such a lovely time together. Saying this however, I couldn't shake the sadness around my heart at my daughters impending journey.

The three photos are of the tent house, the fantastic out-door shower (where my husband took lots of photos...) and a small and cozy boma just in front of the tent....But, take a look at that last photo carefully...there's a large and unexplainable white moving dot in it...an orb????? What do you think?? hmmmmmmmmm........

Who is this stranger

Last night, I invited my ill friends family to supper.

They have a little girl with Downs syndrome who absolutely drew me to her and I believe its because in a way I identify with her as I quietly watched her and followed her as she danced around the garden, gesticulating to someone unseen, who she obviously knows well, by her loud little laughs and animated conversations.

At stages in my life, I think I felt or feel like she does: different, cut off and not part of this world as we know it, lonely but happy to have her own space, nievely not knowing any different nor caring to be. I do not have the long and audible conversations with my inner self as she does (that sure as hell wouldnt go down well as a wife and mother) but my innermost thoughts and feelings and experiences are as audible and as real to me. I have often just walked off while my home was filled with guests, to acnowledge that space within myself which needs quiet and calm and reflection. I remember climbing to the very top of the res building as a student to 'escape',...climbing trees, talking to them, crying at 'funerals' of squashed frogs, half-eaten birds and mice, going for long walks on the farm on my own, up the mountain and to the old family grave yard to 'speak' to everyone there....telling someone there to 'stop haunting the farm house as it was scaring us'...long walks on the beach, writing to mermaids in the sand to 'take me home'....voices and images of people long gone, seagulls hearing my heart...ooooh, there's just so many strange things that I have done and experienced in my past and lately, to write here.

I believe in serendipity and fate, not in circumstances and chance. I believe in deep and eternal and everlasting love and the ability to recognise it again, and again and again and not just a word which is written in a dictionary as a "strong affection for another".

Why do I secretly record a young man with autism, sitting in a restuarant, to study his movements and wildly flailing arms and head...feeling that I need to understand where he 'is' and what he is trying to tell the world..that he, like me, is not of 'here'.

Who am I or rather, what am I, that I feel things and sence things and hear things that nobody else does?? This is no sudden or new thing for me but why, after 46 years, am I am I only acnowledging it now??

This morning I was mocked by the very person who I need to be myself with, for having spoken about this. But in honesty, how can I speak about things that I myself do not understand and expect others to. I am always looking for validation in the things that I do...I always have, ever since I was a child, and maybe its because I have always felt that I am different, that I do not belong here, always trying to get people to recognise something in me which they have too...maybe, just to see ME for this wierd creature that I am and accept and love that ME even especially when I cant.

I wrote a blog in the early hours of this morning that doesnt resemble this one at all. It was an outpouring of all the wierd and wonderfull things that happened to me as a child and now recently as an adult. It is something I never, ever do...an exploration of that inner place where you only go every now and then and only when its safe....well, maybe, the powers-that-be didnt want me to share all that stuff. I went into it again this morning to add a picture and to add something else which I had since remembered...and POOOOOOOFFFF......gone! I cant do this again. I cant get that deep within again . This will have to do ......for now.

finding that place...

I never finished this one as I didnt know where I wanted to take it.
Water colours are my nemesis and totally intimidate me. Need to practice a lot more, NO, NO...what I neeeeeed is to find the freedom within myself to just 'let go', remembering, as so many people have said to me "there is no wrong or right in art"

Odds n ends

The last two weeks have been filled with decisions, anxieties, exciting events, exams and fortunately, painting.

Decisions: not to study for a BVA next year after all. I have three years left with my school-going son...precious years, which I want to be a part of. We may also, finally have an opportunity to travel a bit this comming year and exams and large art assignments will prevent this.. it is also 'our' time where we (my Rob and I) are healthy and able to do things together...so we should. Lastly, I need to make a little money now. Its time to get serious. Art assignments will pretty much prevent me from doing that and hell, I'm not getting any younger. I wanna PLAY and EXPLORE and have fun with paint and clay and pencils..everything out there which could possibly be construed as "art"!!! ( Pfffffffftttt...did I say "money"???...since when does an artist make money??? :o) )

Anxieties, : My friend is gravely ill with cancer......there is nothing more to say on this.

On a lighter note however, my daughter is leaving next week on The Seabourn Oddysey. Shes working as a stewart but will be doing a world tour..Florida, Oz, NZ, Vietnam, Brazil, Philipines, Dubai, etc, etc ending up, I think, in Rome. My children havent been away from the homefires for longer than two weeks.....so this is soooooo hard. Saying that, I'm so proud of her and happy that she has this opportunity. She's a bright, hard-working, bubbly young woman and we love her dearly. Her exciting life's journey is just beginnning.

My aging parents are also off for three months to Madeira on Monday. to see my sister. :o) they're even taking their hangers .....and despite being told that my sister has 4 kids and LOADS of hangers, they refuse to take them out their suitcase......which they finished packing three weeks ago!! Lol...love them to death!! Finally, exam time...two stressed young people at home at the moment...and me having to constantly crack the whip with one of them!!!

Painting....let me show you:

These three were 'throw-aways' which I've been playing with. Not my usual tight-assed style, but OBVIOUSLY I had fun 'amending' them a little

Bye..for a while

Our appartment is to be rented out for a while. We have family and friends in CT and plenty of reason to visit but our 'home' will not be available for a while. This is a long term decision and we embrace it as such.
Rob and my last visit was to collect some bits and pieces and we ended up doing a 30 hour/ 2890Km trip over three days......aagh, not keen to do that again in a hurry!
I have made some great memories this year..with family and friends and know that they will be made again

Listening to the little people

Gill and I went to Paternoster on the Sunday (via Darling, Malmesbury, Riebeek Kasteel). We arrived there at around four, having pretty much lost track of time. We managed to get accommodation at a quaint little cottage at a steal (R400!!! for the night). We then went for starters at the little red beach restuarant mosied of to the hotel for crayfish.

The next morning, lots of photos later, we sat amongst the little fishing boats and dunes to do some drawing and painting. After about an hour, and really getting into it, a group of school children walked up to me, saying 'helooo aaanti Sharon' (obviously ushered to me by Gill. In retalliation, I confirmed that she WAS in fact my mother. Well they asked.) They soon made themselves comfortable with my phone, camera (not from a lucky packet) and my paints. But what a blessing. I loved sitting with them and listening to their chatter, answering their million quiestions. The little girl of 8, Tiana, was eventually sitting with her head on my shoulder telling me about her 'fat' mother who works in the hotel as a dish washer, her eldest sister of 25 years with three children who still lives with them, her middle sister of 19 with 2 children ('met een in die maag'), her third sister and two brothers. What I found interesting and really sad was when, upon looking at the photos of my aunt and cousin, Claude, on my phone, they asked me "Is daai man ook naar" (Is that man also horrible) giving me the distinct impression that the males of this lovely little village, predominantly fishermen, are not endearing themselves to their children and women-folk! On speaking to one or two fishermen, their lives revolve around the sea and bringing in a good catch. They leave home at 2 or 3 in the morning and return at about nine or ten, often with the labours of their day having been spent at the local bottle store.

Luciano, a small 9 year old boy who very obviously had a cold, also referred to the "naare mans" but adamently confirmed that he too would be a fisherman one day, whereas Tiana wants to work in the houses (the little houses used by us 'lani' holliday-makers) as she "kan baie geld maak" (could earn a lot of money). When I suggested that maybe she become a teacher or a 'verpleegster' (nurse), she didn't know what the latter was. ... And so the cycle continues.

Luciano ran down the beach and took zillions of photos with my phone..in honesty, the thought did cross my mind that I wouldn't see either ever again..but sometimes, its good to listen to ones nieve heart and go with a bit of blind faith and trust, because he did eventually return with huge grin on his little face.

After close to an hour and a half of sharing stories, my paints, water and journal (they each painted a little something in it) we drove them to the little store where they wanted us to drop them off and with a packet of biscuits between them and their suitcases, they walked away and didn't look back.

They'll never know how much they touched the heart of THIS 'lani'.

New friends and strangers

The week in CT was great, although I missed my family so very much as usual, especially my darling Rob. I have been away from them for two weeks over the last two months and although as an artist who loves her quiet space, I know that as a woman, my family complete me in every way. They are my next breath and heart beat!!!

I spent some time with a good friend and my very precious sister, aunt and cousin. Lots of laughs, fantastic food, long chats till three in the morning. I met some lovely new friends and some interesting locals and maxed out our car rental milage.

Chatting to a fisherman with knarled hands and a heart for the local seals, I discovered that this community of fishermen, all have an interesting story to tell, if we just took the time listen! I ended up sitting with my legs dangling over the edge of a harbour wall, chatting to them and eventually trying like them, to feed the seals with my mouth (and yes...I did put a piece of dodgy fish between my teeth too....fortunately, I still have lips :o) )

The story he told was of a 'lanie' (rich white guy) accross the harbour who has been stealing and breeding baby seals for the tourist market...to be used as shark bait..to lure sharks to a cage dive. The method used; cutting the seal pup and draging it behind the boat to attract the sharks. This is abhorrent!!!!! Apparently this poor fisherman's protests have fallen on deaf ears. I need to find someone who will listen to my storey now too!