For the longest time...or so it seems...I have been feeling a sense of impatience and drought in my creativity. I have been all but stuck in the rut of trying to reproduce a photo with oils, and haven't felt the freedom of simply being able to produce something from "me"...which would be of any value, that is. I've had the odd emotional explosion of recklessness, related to hurt and anger and frustration...and, come to think of it,loss...but the violent colors, the garbled and pathetic attempt to try and release whatever it was that I was trying to deal with, let go of, is worthless and meaningless to the world....or anyone who supposedly, 'appreciates art'. It's worth or worthlessness, is mine alone.
So what am I?? The age-old question, which I believe every single artist who ever existed, has asked them self, so, so many times. Am I even an artist when I have achieved nothing remotely close to that of the standard set and required to qualify that title?
Do I measure my worth or talent...or lack thereof, through the eyes of a cynical, critical, and fickle society which I have never embraced as my own...where seemingly, everybody is an expert and knows what good art or bad art is....art 'educators' who feel sanctioned to rape and pillage your soul, intellectualizing what they see, through their own bias and insecure need for conformity and norm and a need to recognize like-mindedness.
Saying this...I'm, stuck in my very own conformity and window-less box. I cannot see out. I cannot see any other world except my own...and I'm not even trying to look. Is it that I do not care to?? why? Arrogance?
What a hypocrite I am!!!...in that I see a solid red circle , roughly splattered on a blue painted canvas,... as absurd!
But then, I don't see myself as an artist, so what does my opinion matter?!!!
I don't care to be seen as one. I refuse to be governed by a label to substantiate who I am or what I do.(by what or who's authority anyway...when tomorrow it will change??) I can use nobody or nothing as a yard-stick.... only the strength I gain through times lessons.... my own frailties....I know nothing except that which I have experienced for myself...so my opinion - on anything - is really meaningless.
It's therefore shocking and almost unbelievable that anyone who looks at my work , finds any value in it. Nobody knows what drives me least of all me. I can only act within the circumstances which the Universe delivers...things that, through my own positive or negative energies and decisions, allowed to filter through into my life.
Out of the blue, my aunt commissioned me to paint a stallion which she wanted to give away as a gift to someone of royal birth (I'm really not at liberty to divulge exactly who). I haven't painted horses in ages, so was at a loss.
I had mixed feelings about the reference I chose as the angle at which I chose to paint it (rearing up), made it seem a bit like a darn Ferrari ad! However, I have learned from past experience, always to go with my initial gut feeling and so I did. When she received it, she was adamant that she was going to keep it. Not to be.
The background took a fair amount of time as creating the mood for this picture was very important.
Next came the silhouette of the horse...which by the way, was not painted in black, (a color which I seldom use as it's a really 'dead'... no, seriously) but instead I used different shades of Van Dyke brown.
I slowly started to work in the highlights....using an array of colors...Payne's grey, yellow Ochre, raw umber, purple etc....not only white as it would appear here. I loved doing the fine detail of the tail and mane!!!
I decided NOT to paint the eye in....feeling that if I did, it would leave nothing to the imagination of the viewer...the painting would always just be an interpretation of my own.
Lastly, I added the foreground, trying to keep the detail but at the same time, toning down the color's so as not to detract from the subject matter. Lastly, I added in a little dust....or at least, attempted to.
I have now been commissioned further, to paint three of 'Madame Secret's' Shires.....the most beautiful animals that I have ever seen in my life......with possibly more to come. hmmmm....whereto from here.??
One of the best art-related quotes I've read in a while: " There's no need to be perfect to inspire others. Let others get inspired by how you deal with your imperfections".