I have just driven home in tears from a friend's house, not fully understanding what the source of these tears are.
Yes, letittia is seriously and desperately ill with cancer, yes, she is a mother of two young girls, one of which has Downs Syndrome, yes she has a wonderfull husband that has tried to move the world to heal her, yes she has an extended family that absolutely adore her....and yes, for Pete's sake, I AM a trained nurse and this is nothing that I havent dealt with before!!!! What the hell is the matter with me that I am battling with this emotionally??
I have always known that I am very sensitive and feel things around me accutely. The day I met my husband, I knew that I would marry him...so cut myself off from him and wouldnt have a second date with him....my heart, soul and everything within me seemed to be in a state of panic...because I was feeling something so intense that I didn't want to or couldnt deal with it.
Letittia has lost another kg today. When I last asked, she weighed 43 kg's. She is so thin that her lack of muscle tissue does not allow for much movement and her gait is akward. Today, while reading her blood results, I went into that same state of panic. She had already read it and I could accutely sence her despair and despairation , as thickly as if it was tangible and I was seeing something which should ordinarily be just a feeling, become vividly alive and vociferous.
I am a master at hiding emotions and not reacting to life's harsher moments. Perhaps something good did come from my past childhood traumas, but then again, maybe not.
Those 4 kg that I have suddenly put on which, only this morning, was such a big deal, has become insignificant because a desperately ill young woman would celebrate them. The fact that I didnt get to cycle as usual this morning,...well, when someone battles to walk to the door of her bedroom, ...I celebrate the fact that I have healthy legs. When someone smiles and tries to have a conversation with you when the pain should have removed all smiles ....and 65 breaths per minute (the normal is around 16) should make it impossible, ...then the fact that I dont smile enough and speak more to the people who I love, it's like a bucket of ice water being thrown on me. When someone is so keen to get out to buy some baggy clothes which will cover her emaciated body, that they are happy about being pushed around in a wheelchair by an aging mom, then I should celebrate the fact that I am ABLE to walk around with my beautifull daughters, and have a bite of lunch with them, and not simply drop them off because, for whatever reason, 'I dont enjoy shopping'.
Oh Lord above, these lessons are harsh! Even if the whole purpose of Letittia's suffering is just to show some ungratefull and silly woman, not to take love, life, family, home and health for granted, then perhaps the Lord's will is not that senceless and cruel.