A revival

These are some of the photos I took when I first got my camera. The one on the left was taken when my sister and I went on one of our numnerous hikes to Mpumalanga. I havent done much this year, but plan to do way more in 2011

I love this ..I wanted to paint it at one stage

I think you can just see the little bee :o)

Yesterday, I went for my usual run..but it wasnt usual. It was 7:05 pm and almost dark! I would have been besides myself if any of my three children decided to go running at that time, but I guess you know the saying about doctors, nurses and teachers; they make the worst in the home environment.

For me it was less about the excercise and more about the need to 'breath' in this time and space. It was a beautiful, night last night, with clear sky's, a bright moon and cool crisp air...and I wanted to truely feel this within my soul to become one with it, be part of the nothingness, the peace, the realness.

The minute I closed the gate behind me, my sences were suddenly alive and I could hear everything! The quiet, the darkness, the shadows, which should have intimidated me, but only served to make me want to claim this beautiful night as I saw it, without threat or danger. I was hearing the black backed Jackal calling, the continuous high-pitched anthem of the bush crickets and their less vociferous brothers, the peacocks, the bullfrogs,..all were joined in an impromptu recital, with the rythmic falling of my running shoes, acting as conductor.

Running past huge homes with their high walls which had suddenly come to life with sound and smell. Dogs, plovers on nests, all admonished me for disturbing their peace.

On arriving home, I stripped naked and fell into the pool, floating under the light of the moon, hearing nothing but the sound of my own breathing.

I saw the stars last night...I saw the moon, ....I heard creation and Oh Lord, it made me happy!

A deep introspection

The Battle
I feel you once more, dark omnence, your need to flatter me with attention
Illusory thoughts, perverse in your cruel deceptions of loss and baseless disapproval.
You speak anger and rejection and restlessness into my faithful heart
Allowing self-ridicule and fabrication to take hold and slowly mould this tortured mind.

Stay away !! lest I fail to rise above this wave for I grow gradually weak
Not much remains now to embolden me as I flail in this darkness you bring.
Today, perhaps only today, I have no strength to bring up the cudgel,
I have no strength to nurse self love and fight off your haughty spite!

Oh angel, thou who has guarded this redemptive soul in love and mercy
See this battle raging, pray don't renounce this weak and uncertain wreck
diffuse this wretchedness and undo this grim mindedness that I cannot
For I am not prepared and do not recognise its form or its subtle bearer

I have just finished writing this and I was surprised how the words just flowed ...from where?
I thing everyone has battles to face, the hardest being the internal ones which are the worst ones, where nobody can hear you or see the torment. It can be the quiet killer which leads to a sickened spirit and ultimately, body.
I felt a bit like this today, but find solitude in my art and music and I guess in the peace which I try and make a conscious effort to surround myself with.

What caused this?. A million things. and nothing. I give my heart readily and that can cause such anguish when its not seen and received for what it is...your whole life, the source of your life the essence of your being.
I understand solitude as it is safe. .and now I seek it.

What the......??!

Aaaagh....just seen some more orbs! Holy smoke, we had a LOT of guests at that braai

Books and Beasts

Of course, I managed (only just as a weekend is a very short time), to do what I love. I managed to do these only bby waking up really early...5:45 am on Saturday and 5:00 am this morning.

I love drawing but get frustrated as I havent learnt to draw quickly and tend to want to add too much detail. My journalling is my life and I have recently began adding pen drawings to my scribbles which I think will progress into something better, quicker and more expressive.

This morning, while sitting enjoying the sunrise, I noticed a group of Wildebees and Zebra, about 50 meters away. I grabbed my 'Steven Spielberg', and in my inconspicuous white geans, charged after them through the bush. after about 500 meters, I stood on a Soetdoorn thorn and totally blew my Rambo-ette rush to get the shot of the year by hopping around around on my remaining foot trying to prize out this three inch creation of Satan.

The Wildebees gave a snort and all I saw was dust.

Ok, so now I know that I will never be a world famous photographer...its all up to my art now.

bugs in the bush

This place was riddled with bugs!!!! When we arrived, we were stepping on beetles..eeeeeugh, not fond of the crunching sound or feeling, but I think there must have been at least 7 or 8 different spiecies of beetles flying around. Once the tent flaps were closed, it actually sounded like rain pelting into the canvas. My daughters were hysterical. On our first night there, Rob and I could hear their screams (20-30 meters away) and the boys laughing . Andrea bumped into a millipede the size of a small snake (which in fact she thought it was). The next morning, it was my turn. I discovered that I'd been up-close and almost personal with a Red Roman for the entire night. Andrea found its bigger brother in her sandle this morning...again producing hysterical screams and great mirth.

The photos are of one of the many nests of ants, carting away a one or two of the beeltles which I swept out of the tent each morning. the second is of the sweet little critter which shared our bed and the third, a stick insect, which now has 'teddy-bear' status with the girls.

The inside and outside of paradise

My three precious children...Oh Lord, how I adore them. I have so much to be gratefull for so much to be thoughtfull of and so much to pray about. They argue like any young siblings, but they love each other dearly and will always be there for each other...I am praying especially for this, as life is such that your brothers and sisters are your closest and dearest friends.

The photos are of my three helping out with supper before the rain, the fantastic bath...a simple tin tub (and in my oppinion better than the most expensive, jaccuzzi, gadget-filled, fancy thingy-to-wash-yourself on the market) and a wonderfull idea on how to use your husbands old army pith-helmet, in fact, they used one for the basin too. Never spat toothpaste in a hat before :o) There was someones old army boot hanging above the bed, just for decoration...fortunately, he must have been fussy about his feet.

Orbs (no, really!) and Boot Camp

We decided to go away this weekend, as a family fairwell to our daughter, Bronwen.

I have been feeling pretty emotional about my daughter leaving on Wednesday and although I KNOW that she has her own life and own journey now, which is really, just beginning, and that we have prepared her for it as best we can as parents, its none-the-less a very hard throwing ones precious daughter into this crazy world with the attitude of 'there...its your's, go and take it" .

We went to the 'boot camp' part of a nature reserve/5 star caravan park which consisted of evenly spaced, fully equipped tent houses. It was in the middle of the reserve area with lots of zebra, wildebeest, impala, etc and lots of bird life, which weren't at all shy and which came pretty close to our tent.

We havent done much of this as a family for the past two or three years for various reasons, but we all had such a lovely time together. Saying this however, I couldn't shake the sadness around my heart at my daughters impending journey.

The three photos are of the tent house, the fantastic out-door shower (where my husband took lots of photos...) and a small and cozy boma just in front of the tent....But, take a look at that last photo carefully...there's a large and unexplainable white moving dot in it...an orb????? What do you think?? hmmmmmmmmm........

Who is this stranger

Last night, I invited my ill friends family to supper.

They have a little girl with Downs syndrome who absolutely drew me to her and I believe its because in a way I identify with her as I quietly watched her and followed her as she danced around the garden, gesticulating to someone unseen, who she obviously knows well, by her loud little laughs and animated conversations.

At stages in my life, I think I felt or feel like she does: different, cut off and not part of this world as we know it, lonely but happy to have her own space, nievely not knowing any different nor caring to be. I do not have the long and audible conversations with my inner self as she does (that sure as hell wouldnt go down well as a wife and mother) but my innermost thoughts and feelings and experiences are as audible and as real to me. I have often just walked off while my home was filled with guests, to acnowledge that space within myself which needs quiet and calm and reflection. I remember climbing to the very top of the res building as a student to 'escape',...climbing trees, talking to them, crying at 'funerals' of squashed frogs, half-eaten birds and mice, going for long walks on the farm on my own, up the mountain and to the old family grave yard to 'speak' to everyone there....telling someone there to 'stop haunting the farm house as it was scaring us'...long walks on the beach, writing to mermaids in the sand to 'take me home'....voices and images of people long gone, seagulls hearing my heart...ooooh, there's just so many strange things that I have done and experienced in my past and lately, to write here.

I believe in serendipity and fate, not in circumstances and chance. I believe in deep and eternal and everlasting love and the ability to recognise it again, and again and again and not just a word which is written in a dictionary as a "strong affection for another".

Why do I secretly record a young man with autism, sitting in a restuarant, to study his movements and wildly flailing arms and head...feeling that I need to understand where he 'is' and what he is trying to tell the world..that he, like me, is not of 'here'.

Who am I or rather, what am I, that I feel things and sence things and hear things that nobody else does?? This is no sudden or new thing for me but why, after 46 years, am I am I only acnowledging it now??

This morning I was mocked by the very person who I need to be myself with, for having spoken about this. But in honesty, how can I speak about things that I myself do not understand and expect others to. I am always looking for validation in the things that I do...I always have, ever since I was a child, and maybe its because I have always felt that I am different, that I do not belong here, always trying to get people to recognise something in me which they have too...maybe, just to see ME for this wierd creature that I am and accept and love that ME even especially when I cant.

I wrote a blog in the early hours of this morning that doesnt resemble this one at all. It was an outpouring of all the wierd and wonderfull things that happened to me as a child and now recently as an adult. It is something I never, ever do...an exploration of that inner place where you only go every now and then and only when its safe....well, maybe, the powers-that-be didnt want me to share all that stuff. I went into it again this morning to add a picture and to add something else which I had since remembered...and POOOOOOOFFFF......gone! I cant do this again. I cant get that deep within again . This will have to do ......for now.

finding that place...

I never finished this one as I didnt know where I wanted to take it.
Water colours are my nemesis and totally intimidate me. Need to practice a lot more, NO, NO...what I neeeeeed is to find the freedom within myself to just 'let go', remembering, as so many people have said to me "there is no wrong or right in art"

Odds n ends

The last two weeks have been filled with decisions, anxieties, exciting events, exams and fortunately, painting.

Decisions: not to study for a BVA next year after all. I have three years left with my school-going son...precious years, which I want to be a part of. We may also, finally have an opportunity to travel a bit this comming year and exams and large art assignments will prevent this.. it is also 'our' time where we (my Rob and I) are healthy and able to do things together...so we should. Lastly, I need to make a little money now. Its time to get serious. Art assignments will pretty much prevent me from doing that and hell, I'm not getting any younger. I wanna PLAY and EXPLORE and have fun with paint and clay and pencils..everything out there which could possibly be construed as "art"!!! ( Pfffffffftttt...did I say "money"???...since when does an artist make money??? :o) )

Anxieties, : My friend is gravely ill with cancer......there is nothing more to say on this.

On a lighter note however, my daughter is leaving next week on The Seabourn Oddysey. Shes working as a stewart but will be doing a world tour..Florida, Oz, NZ, Vietnam, Brazil, Philipines, Dubai, etc, etc ending up, I think, in Rome. My children havent been away from the homefires for longer than two weeks.....so this is soooooo hard. Saying that, I'm so proud of her and happy that she has this opportunity. She's a bright, hard-working, bubbly young woman and we love her dearly. Her exciting life's journey is just beginnning.

My aging parents are also off for three months to Madeira on Monday. to see my sister. :o) they're even taking their hangers .....and despite being told that my sister has 4 kids and LOADS of hangers, they refuse to take them out their suitcase......which they finished packing three weeks ago!! Lol...love them to death!! Finally, exam time...two stressed young people at home at the moment...and me having to constantly crack the whip with one of them!!!

Painting....let me show you:

These three were 'throw-aways' which I've been playing with. Not my usual tight-assed style, but OBVIOUSLY I had fun 'amending' them a little

Bye..for a while

Our appartment is to be rented out for a while. We have family and friends in CT and plenty of reason to visit but our 'home' will not be available for a while. This is a long term decision and we embrace it as such.
Rob and my last visit was to collect some bits and pieces and we ended up doing a 30 hour/ 2890Km trip over three days......aagh, not keen to do that again in a hurry!
I have made some great memories this year..with family and friends and know that they will be made again