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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A deep introspection

The Battle
I feel you once more, dark omnence, your need to flatter me with attention
Illusory thoughts, perverse in your cruel deceptions of loss and baseless disapproval.
You speak anger and rejection and restlessness into my faithful heart
Allowing self-ridicule and fabrication to take hold and slowly mould this tortured mind.

Stay away !! lest I fail to rise above this wave for I grow gradually weak
Not much remains now to embolden me as I flail in this darkness you bring.
Today, perhaps only today, I have no strength to bring up the cudgel,
I have no strength to nurse self love and fight off your haughty spite!

Oh angel, thou who has guarded this redemptive soul in love and mercy
See this battle raging, pray don't renounce this weak and uncertain wreck
diffuse this wretchedness and undo this grim mindedness that I cannot
For I am not prepared and do not recognise its form or its subtle bearer

I have just finished writing this and I was surprised how the words just flowed ...from where?
I thing everyone has battles to face, the hardest being the internal ones which are the worst ones, where nobody can hear you or see the torment. It can be the quiet killer which leads to a sickened spirit and ultimately, body.
I felt a bit like this today, but find solitude in my art and music and I guess in the peace which I try and make a conscious effort to surround myself with.

What caused this?. A million things. and nothing. I give my heart readily and that can cause such anguish when its not seen and received for what it is...your whole life, the source of your life the essence of your being.
I understand solitude as it is safe. .and now I seek it.